it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
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Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
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Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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