Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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