yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
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I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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