You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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