I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
