I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
All the doctor said was why
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
