i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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