my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
