my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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