If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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