I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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