My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
