When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
