Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Also, beer. Big fan.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
