I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
only if we run a train.
done.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
