i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
