She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
