I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
