I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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