We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
