I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
