And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
