you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
