I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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