I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
