I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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