Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
