how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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