I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
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Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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