Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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