One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
