chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
