Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
