woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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