Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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