soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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