This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
