some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
