I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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