Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Randomize
