why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Randomize
