I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
third nipple confirmed
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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