I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize