Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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