just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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