The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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