If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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