My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
