You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
