I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
