when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
where are you?
Hypothermia
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
