I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
