My sheets look like a crime scene.
I smell stomach acid.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
