So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Randomize
