one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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