ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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